Apology.

I know that you're probably never going to read this....
But I'm typing this in that slight hope that you will.

I've been thinking about this for a while.. and how I was gonna get all the words straight
I don't know if I will, but it's worth a try.

For such a long time, I was here, blaming you for almost everything
And for a while, it didn't dawn on me that most of it was probably myy fault.
Because I was the one always upset about it all
I was the one giving you so much crap about it I think
And no one would want that- so you had no choice but to want to leave.
I should've seen what I was doing and not just what you were doing.
I've realized that it might've been my fault for a while
But never really got a chance to say anything about it
But hooow could I talk about it with you?
Cos' apparently, thank God, you stillllllll see me as a friend, despite everything that goes on now
And since we're friends, why would I want to break that friendship by saying everything that is on my mind?
Because WHAT IF you never even realized any of this and it was all in my head?
Or what if you thought things completely different?
Also, I have to say I REALLY do nott understand your words and your actions. They tend to contradict each other which tends to bring me down. I wish I knew why you did that but...
I guess I'll never really know
And strangely, that's okay with me.
I know things are going to be okay between us.
But right now, I want to let you know that I am sorry.
I am sorry if I ever hurt you
I am sorry for the things I've said, when you knew that they were for you, and if it hurt.
And I'll tell you, there came a time when I actually wanted you to get hurt. Yeah, my ambition was to see you feel the pain that I was feeling....that pain that I might've actually caused myself.
Sometimes, I feel like I want to cry when I look back at that time.
God knows how wrong I was to think that..but everything you were doing hurt a little too much.
I am sooo sorry.
I am sorry because I think at that time, you actually DID get hurt with something.
But you aare my friend, and friends aren't supposed to want to see each other suffer
Because IF they were truly friends, seeing one hurt would actually hurt the other. Right?
Maybe that's why seeing you hurt actually hurt me.
And I WONDER if you ever even cared when I was hurt..
Because I GAVE you chances that you never took
And WHAT was I supposed to think with that?
I don't know... but now I remember that that was something that really killed me inside.

Anyways, if you're reading this..you shoulddd know what I'm talking about. I really hope you do.
And I pray to God that you never forget anything that we've gone through.
I know I never will because everything I've gone through because of you has definitely made me stronger and smarter and I appreciate and realize a lot more today.

Thank you.